I was once so unhappily married that I planned my husband’s funeral on the off chance he might conveniently drop dead. During that time in my marriage, I was convinced that our problems were all his fault. If I could just get someone to fix him and turn him into a good husband? I was convinced everything would be fine.
We eventually worked on and improved our marriage. Today we’re happy. It was during that process, however, that I learned something dreadful. It was this: I was to blame for some of our problems. I’d contributed to our bad marriage by practicing the following bad habits.
1. The Silent Treatment. I’d failed time and time again to tell him what I wanted, what I was thinking, how I felt, and how his actions (or inactions) affected me. Once I started speaking up for myself, our marriage improved.
2. Not Prioritizing Sex. I had my excuses. I was exhausted. I was stressed. I was busy. I was not in the mood. In reality, however, sex just wasn’t on my priority list. Once I made it a priority, I was able to solve the problems that stood in the way of enjoying it. I made sure to get more rest (so I wasn’t so exhausted), for instance.
3. Fixating on Fairness. What it takes to improve a marriage isn’t always fair. You might have to be the big person most of the time. You might have to make the first (or 100th) move to warm up your marriage, be more affectionate, or keep things civil. You might have to assume the role of leader, while your spouse merely follows along. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. Would you rather have a fair marriage or a happy one? I choose happy.
I was once so unhappily married that I planned my husband’s funeral on the off chance he might conveniently drop dead. During that time in my marriage, I was convinced that our problems were all his fault. If I could just get someone to fix him and turn him into a good husband? I was convinced everything would be fine.
We eventually worked on and improved our marriage. Today we’re happy. It was during that process, however, that I learned something dreadful. It was this: I was to blame for some of our problems. I’d contributed to our bad marriage by practicing the following bad habits.
1. The Silent Treatment. I’d failed time and time again to tell him what I wanted, what I was thinking, how I felt, and how his actions (or inactions) affected me. Once I started speaking up for myself, our marriage improved.
2. Not Prioritizing Sex. I had my excuses. I was exhausted. I was stressed. I was busy. I was not in the mood. In reality, however, sex just wasn’t on my priority list. Once I made it a priority, I was able to solve the problems that stood in the way of enjoying it. I made sure to get more rest (so I wasn’t so exhausted), for instance.
3. Fixating on Fairness. What it takes to improve a marriage isn’t always fair. You might have to be the big person most of the time. You might have to make the first (or 100th) move to warm up your marriage, be more affectionate, or keep things civil. You might have to assume the role of leader, while your spouse merely follows along. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. Would you rather have a fair marriage or a happy one? I choose happy.
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